Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
