Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
