when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
