ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
