Your face is a jimmy john
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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