You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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