would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
