Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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