Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
