Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
