Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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