her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
