Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
