The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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