you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
