Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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