I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
