Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
