He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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