My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
