Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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