To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize