Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
