The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize