I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
