nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
