i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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