I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
