You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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