I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
