FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
