We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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