Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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