I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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