she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He kissed a someone with a penis
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize