Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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