Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
