He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
