I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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