so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Randomize
