She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
