I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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