you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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