He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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