how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
