did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
