she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
