the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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