Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
