Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need a beard to bite.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
