Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
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