mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
