So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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