I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You have to summon your inner elephant
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
