Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
