respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
