apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
