My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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