White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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