made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
