On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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