i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize