Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
