I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize