guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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