Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
