jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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