just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
