I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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