I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
