it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
