'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
