i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
