You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
